Why is this a question? I’ll tell you. Because I don’t know. That’s why. I have no idea what makes me happy. It is not that I’m unhappy or that I’m not happy with my family life. Not at all. Let me explain what I mean.
I have been a carer for a long time. I mean a really long time. I’m talking about my whole life, almost. Short story; my parents split up when I was six and as the oldest I had to step up. So I did. Went a little off the rails in college, and then came a little series of the “I’ll save them” boys. More care taking and not the healthy kind.
The role of motherhood
Then came a beautiful son. No dad around so just me and him and mucho care taking. I finally lucked out in the boyfriend department and what do you know six months into that relationship I am pregnant again, because you know, that’s a good idea. Had a beautiful baby girl and then, around five months in, we found out she had special needs both physically and mentally, so that means a lifetime of caregiving in some capacity.
Now, 23 years later, the boyfriend is the husband, our boy is at university, and our girl lives in an assisted living home and has a boyfriend and a job. My husband is an independent contractor and right after finally finishing my degree in biology, I am on an extended medical leave because of an injury I sustained some time ago. This means I have time to think and hang out online, which isn’t good. And I mean not at all.
Empty nest syndrome
Enter TikTok. I have spent way too much time there and suddenly a few days ago there was this lady around my age, I don’t remember her name, but she was asking herself this question. “What makes me happy?” Her kids are almost grown and she suddenly found free time too, so she needed to find out how to occupy said time. And she had no clue.
She found out that serving others, caring for others was her thing. Had become the thing that made her happy. Getting praises about what a good job she was doing or what a brilliant home she kept, etc. was her dopamine payout. But she didn’t know herself well enough to answer the question of what made her happy if it didn’t involve others’ praises. And I stopped swiping up.
I found that I have no idea myself. I too was on the praises dopamine train. I am a good wife, a good mother (I think), and a great carer for my daughter. I can do a lot of things. I am good with my hands, I bake, I cook, and I can put on the artist hat or the decorator one on occasion, but which if any make me really happy, just for me? I don’t know…
…yet. I’m going to find out. I think it’s about time I get to know me, don’t you agree?